About a few months ago, I could not wait for this September to come. There was just something about it. It was most probably because of the many events happening such as celebrating my 19th birthday (last September 4), watching the Phantom of the Opera with my family (last September 16), singing along with The Cab and Maroon 5 in concert with my friends (last September 18) and getting to see my ultimate crush, Zac Efron, hopefully with my buddy (happening this Saturday – September 29). Don’t get me wrong it was definitely one of my favorite months of all time. I cannot even explain how grateful I was to experience so many things in a month. These ‘things’ being those that I could never ever forget even when I have great great great grandchildren.
But then why do I feel so sad? drained? tired? negative? This month has also been one of the worsts. I have been denying this because I don’t want it to ruin all the good memories that happened but I can’t help it anymore. I looked at my profile and all I could see were posts about how sad and miserable I was and honestly, I still am. I can’t even post what I really feel anymore because it’s just too sad, too negative and just too much. I really cannot hold it in anymore.
I just feel like I am turning into everything I do not want to be. I don’t want to be used, yet I keep giving the user the opportunity to. I don’t want to be annoying, yet I keep bothering people. I don’t want to judge and give out judgement on people I have never even met, yet I cannot stop thinking negative things about them. I don’t want be a failure as a student, yet I don’t even bother learning anymore. I don’t want to be a quitter, yet I had already given up trying. I don’t want to be affected by the most shallow things, yet I let them cut through me so deeply. I don’t want to be an ignorant child and sibling, yet I don’t give time to my family anymore. I don’t want to be a bad friend, yet I am either the one pulling them down or not even talking to them (them=friends). I don’t want to be an overly sensitive person, yet I act like a drama queen. I don’t want to feel envious or jealous, yet I am the green-eyed monster. I don’t want to argue, yet I keep starting the arguments. I don’t want to feel left out, yet most of the time I don’t even bother joining in anymore. I don’t want to be unsatisfied, yet I keep wanting more and more. I don’t want to feel all these things, yet I am allowing them to eat me up inside and out.
While spacing out, again thinking of the things that I have been going through lately, I cannot help but stare at these three buttons on my keyboard: Control, Alt and Shift.
The answer has been in front of me all along. I need to control my feelings, alter my actions and shift my perspectives. Staying still and feeling these won’t do me any good. I only end up crying because I hate myself that much right now. I really need to change. Change for the better. Change to become everything I want to be. I know this is idealistic but I really am going to turn over a new leaf. I may begin by faking it but hopefully after getting used to it, I will finally believe that I am essentially and sincerely happy. I need to do this for my friends, for my family, for myself and for the future. This blog entry will motivate me to stick to my resolution and not go back to the dark, lonely, sad hole. There are still a few more days until September ends. Maybe I can finally turn things around.
P.S. Sorry for not blogging as much anymore. I actually felt bad about breaking my once-a-week-make-a-blog-entry thing because of all the things that have been going on. Hopefully I will be able to blog more more more!