, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Width x Length = ?

These past few months have been really weird. When I have tests and schoolwork, I can’t seem to stay awake but when I am as free as a bird, like now, I can’t stop thinking and this literally keeps me up until the wee hours of the morn’ or when I just get too tired from all the brain activity.

Personally, I am not going through anything drastic or problematic that would get me to re-evaluate my life and the point of ‘living’ itself but from the things I have been hearing and seeing, well let’s just say, I was wrong to think that things were ‘simple’ and not-so-complicated.

As shallow as it sounds, that one powerpoint slide in our Psychology class today got me.Β My teacher was talking about Erikson’s theory of Psychosocial development, which consists of about 8 stages. The fifth one, which was said to occur to people from the age of 13 to about early 20s. She explained that people in this particular age group have either found their identity or are still confused with their role in life and unluckily, I fall into the latter category.

I have a lot of dreams. I wanted to be a cashier when I was little. I wanted to be an inventor when I was about 10. I wanted to be a pilot until I realized that my dream and my bad eyesight will never mixed. I wanted to be a racecar driver and an astronaut until reality caught up to my high hopes and seemingly impossible aspirations. I wanted to be a cartoonist or at least the voice of a cartoon until I realized that I can never draw as well as my classmates. I wanted to be a musician, a drummer, until I just couldn’t get the beat anymore. I wanted to be a chef until I burnt myself and the food I was making. I wanted to be everything at one point in my young life, not that I am old now, but I guess I grew up.

With growing up, I also grew out of my imagination for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I tried to fulfill each of my dreams. An example would be drawing. When I was in highschool, I really took each project seriously. I drew and threw those drawings that were just not good enough for me. It would take me hours just to finish a ‘perfect-for-me’ drawing. My mom would always compliment me saying how ‘cute’ and ‘amazing’ my drawings were and I blushed as I listened. But seeing other people’s drawing that only took them about a minute to do and were more amazing than mine broke my heart. To the point that I left my drawing ambition half-cooked. This happened to almost all of my aspirations. It was like travelled a path for a time until I realized “it’s not for me” “I can’t do it” or some lame and shallow reason and just go back to where I started. Leaving things.. half-cooked.

Now, I am in college studying Management of Applied Chemistry, which I’m not even sure I like. I know who I am now in terms of my attitude and those shallow interests but I just don’t know what I want to be. I don’t have the passion to do something I really love. It makes me think if I am even capable of such. I am not sure if I am walking down the right road or if halfway through, I am just going to run back feeling scared and nervous because my time to explore myself and find myself is running out.

I need to assure myself that everything is going to be alright. But how can this happen if I don’t even believe it. Maybe it’s my feeling of inferiority or confusion or the fact that I am jealous of those who have dreams and interests fully cooked and ready to be eaten. Since they know what they want to do, all they have to decide on is how they want to do it. Contrary to my situation, in which I keep on trying and giving up to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore.

I need some enlightenment. I need a sign. I need that feeling of satisfaction in whatever I am doing. I need things to be ‘worth it’ for me. I need to find my way. Especially since “..Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

Quote from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky