This has been bothering me for days now and I just thought I would share.
The other day, I had dinner with my group of friends in high school. I haven’t seen them for so long! I admit, I have missed our lunch table! In high school, not all of us were classmates with each other. But for some amazing reason, we all still managed to get along well! We would talk about the most random thing, laugh at the lamest joke (usually made by me HAHA) and even tease each other with boys from our next door neighbor-school. I am not close to each and everyone of my lunch table friends but I can definitely say that they’re my ‘people’ in high school. The question for me is, will this stick even after we don’t get to hang out over the breaks or after school or when we don’t have anything to talk about anymore? As much as I don’t want to say so, reality is catching up to my optimistic thoughts. For sure, the ones I do not get to talk to regularly ever since I was in high school were out of the picture (no offense) but will this hold true even for my best friend?
My best friend and I were classmates from grade 6 until high 1 (for about 3 years) and within this short amount of time, we managed to create a ‘bestfriendship’. Honestly, I thought we were perfect for each other! Maybe we had different interests but we also had a lot of similarities, which I regarded more. When she talked, I listened. When I ranted, she comforted me. It was a give and take kind of thing and I was so grateful for it. Especially since I really did not have any best friend until I met her. I was more of a quiet, shy and loner type with only friends to eat with but no one to talk to, really. She was the only one who actually listened to me. When we became best friends, we were inseparable. We would always talk to each other in class and even after that. Through the power of the internet and wonderful telephone connections, it was like we never left school. I felt like I could tell her everything and I thought I did (explanation later). When we were separated in high 2 up until high 4, I was devastated. I really thought everything would be different and most were! We don’t get to talk as much because even if we were taking the same subjects, our teachers and classmates were different and as shallow as it sounds, it really left a wall in our friendship. But we got through. After a few months of ‘less talking’, we were back to our old ways. Sure it was different, but we wouldn’t let that get in the way of our friendship.
Now we’re both in our sophomore in college, again, different colleges (ADMU and DLSU) and it was not until a few months when I realized.. everything was now REALLY DIFFERENT! But has it always been like this? Ever since we went to college, we would still talk through texting but we don’t really get to see each other. Only on special occasions such as birthdays and the like. On these dinners or hangouts, it was still the same for me. I would get excited to see her and my other friends and we would talk like we were in high school even if we weren’t anymore. Just last summer, I realized that if I don’t try to contact her, she doesn’t as well and it got me thinking if I was the only one who wanted things to stay the same. When I didn’t text her, she wouldn’t do the same and this went on until we only talk to each other about twice a week.
It was not until just two days ago when I realized I was right. Before going to our first lunch table dinner since after we graduated, I felt so odd. I really did not want to go. I know it sounds so bad but I was just wishing that I would not have to go anymore because I really don’t know how to socialize with them especially since we came from different schools, some from ADMU, DLSU, UST and even universities from the United States. Moreover, I haven’t seen half of them since we graduated. But honestly, I really did not want to go because I do not want to feel left out. In our lunch table back in high school, I felt so comfortable because if I don’t know what they’re talking about (different classes), my best friend would always fill me in and now that we don’t really talk much, will she till fill me in? During this dinner, I felt that every time I talked to her I was just a bee buzzing and bothering her. Since I was the only one who doesn’t get to hang out with them (because I live pretty far and my parents don’t allow me to go out a lot), I felt really left out and I guess I was right because when I asked she never really fully answered. It was more of a short answer just to stop me from asking again and it really made me sad. But I swallowed this feeling and just kept on socializing with them even if I didn’t really get half of the conversation. Other than that, I also realized that we were actual opposites (from our interests, hobbies, other friends and more). Maybe when I was in high school, I thought that ‘opposites attract’ or something like that but now I am not so sure anymore.
When I got home, it hit me hard. I am losing my best friend. The endless and countless conversations we had, now doesn’t even seem so deep. I keep thinking if maybe I was just overwhelmed with having a best friend that I really didn’t know is this was a real ‘bestfriendship’. I don’t think she even knows the things on my mind right now or even then. I thought I told her enough but now I realized I only told her the things she would like to hear. Sure I ranted but it never really got to the point that she knew what I was feeling, even the bad stuff. I am even wondering how we actually became friends. We were total opposites since she was more of the fashion-loving, socializing type and I wasn’t.
Maybe I am just thinking about this too much. But now that I am feeling what it’s like to pour my feelings and heart out to another person and not just those shallow rants and conversations, it makes me wonder if she really is my best friend. I am sure she was but is she still? Maybe it’s more of my fault for expecting too much or for not trying as hard anymore. I guess I really have to live by the quote: “Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better”. I just hope that through it all, I can still call her my best friend.
Sorry for the really long post. I wrote this at around 1 am last night and just couldn’t stop typing (HAHA)