Power of Choice

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When all the answers have been given to you, why still leave the paper blank?

When the world has given you reasons not to, why still go for it?

When you are given a band-aid to relieve you of the pain, why still endure it?

When given training wheels, why still ride a bike despite knowing you will fall every 30 seconds?

When told to speak up, why still keep quiet?

When food is laid out in front of you, why still choose to go hungry?

When given time to sleep, why still stay up late?

When all the signs are telling you to go right, why still choose to go left?

You have the power to choose, but why choose the harder and more difficult option? You have your own reasons, own framework and own support system behind your decisions that may not be understood by many but is clearly understood by you. The basis of your choice is so powerful that no one can actually judge you for it. For as long as you believe it is true, then you must will it to be true. However, the real question then comes in. How far are you willing to go with your choice? – Is the tradeoff worth it? Do all the hardship, hurt and trials experienced balance out that fulfilling feeling of standing by your decision? Is the power of choice strong enough to keep you from being weak? If your answers to the last three questions were ‘YES’, ‘YES’ and ‘YES’, then you must have done something right. Otherwise, don’t you worry. Life will go on as usual but you still have the power to choose which path it will follow.

Holiday Spirit

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Happy 2013! Didn’t see much fireworks that night, so we drew some instead!

There’s just something about a holiday or worldwide event that pushes you to do things you don’t normally do on a regular day. But come to think of it.. January 1, 2013 is just like any other day so why do people make resolutions and promises (that are rarely followed and end up broken respectively)? If you were to ask me, a holiday-loving person, I would tell you that it is because of two things: (1) that magical feeling you just get as the countdown is coming to an end and begins anew for next year (2) the fact that you’re not alone in – celebrating this day/making these resolutions and promises with the intention of actually keeping them.

As pessimistic as it sounds, I honestly did not feel the holiday spirit (Christmas and New Year’s). But what I did differently was to actually put in effort and try to feel it. For Christmas, I gave out gifts, which I did not really get to do last 2011, and sent out ‘warm’ greetings to my friends, old classmates and family. On New Year’s Eve, I bonded with my family in the province and told my friends how much I appreciate them. I even made an actual list of resolutions that I intend to fulfill by the end of the year. (I only made 13 so I can keep track of them and it is just perfect for 2013)

  1. Try new things (food, experiences).
  2. Limit asking (or semi-prying) to only 3 times.
  3. Talk more. Don’t be shy. Make new friends.
  4. Stop bad habits (biting nails, waking up grumpy, sleeping late).
  5. Stop comparing.
  6. Don’t walk out. Face the problems.
  7. Limit feeling sad/bad/mad to an hour per day.
  8. Reconnect with old friends.
  9. Be more visible – as a happy person. (live and in social networking sites)
  10. Stop cursing.
  11. Bring back the meaning of the word ‘sorry’.
  12. Be a better pet owner.
  13. Be more appreciative – say ‘thank you’ more.

* I know these are over-the-top but I will really try my best to keep these 13 resolutions.

As cliche as what I have mentioned about – regarding the ‘extra’ effort I put into – may sound, it really did help. Even though regarding some things, I expected a better response from particular people, which only made me partly sad and hurt, in other things I got more than I could ever ask for. An example would be when my blockmate, who I was not really close to, texted me randomly about how much she liked my gift to her and how helpful it would be (I gave her a colorful coaster). I felt so touched with how sincere she was and I guess these little things also contribute to that magical feeling I was talking about earlier. On that note, I may not have ‘felt’ the holiday spirit but, in my own way, I lived and manifested it.

Now don’t get me started on birthdays.. (what I love even more than the holidays!)

Hoping that I can celebrate and live it up every single day and not just during the holidays!

Hoping that I can celebrate and live it up every single day and not just during the holidays!

Ctrl + Alt + Shift

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I need to let Him calm me down.

About a few months ago, I could not wait for this September to come. There was just something about it. It was most probably because of the many events happening such as celebrating my 19th birthday (last September 4), watching the Phantom of the Opera with my family (last September 16), singing along with The Cab and Maroon 5 in concert with my friends (last September 18) and getting to see my ultimate crush, Zac Efron, hopefully with my buddy (happening this Saturday – September 29). Don’t get me wrong it was definitely one of my favorite months of all time. I cannot even explain how grateful I was to experience so many things in a month. These ‘things’ being those that I could never ever forget even when I have great great great grandchildren.

Note to self: STOP OVERTHINKING.

But then why do I feel so sad? drained? tired? negative? This month has also been one of the worsts. I have been denying this because I don’t want it to ruin all the good memories that happened but I can’t help it anymore. I looked at my profile and all I could see were posts about how sad and miserable I was and honestly, I still am. I can’t even post what I really feel anymore because it’s just too sad, too negative and just too much. I really cannot hold it in anymore.

I just feel like I am turning into everything I do not want to be. I don’t want to be used, yet I keep giving the user the opportunity to. I don’t want to be annoying, yet I keep bothering people. I don’t want to judge and give out judgement on people I have never even met, yet I cannot stop thinking negative things about them. I don’t want be a failure as a student, yet I don’t even bother learning anymore. I don’t want to be a quitter, yet I had already given up trying. I don’t want to be affected by the most shallow things, yet I let them cut through me so deeply. I don’t want to be an ignorant child and sibling, yet I don’t give time to my family anymore. I don’t want to be a bad friend, yet I am either the one pulling them down or not even talking to them (them=friends). I don’t want to be an overly sensitive person, yet I act like a drama queen. I don’t want to feel envious or jealous, yet I am the green-eyed monster. I don’t want to argue, yet I keep starting the arguments. I don’t want to feel left out, yet most of the time I don’t even bother joining in anymore. I don’t want to be unsatisfied, yet I keep wanting more and more. I don’t want to feel all these things, yet I am allowing them to eat me up inside and out.

While spacing out, again thinking of the things that I have been going through lately, I cannot help but stare at these three buttons on my keyboard: Control, Alt and Shift.

The answer has been in front of me all along. I need to control my feelings, alter my actions and shift my perspectives. Staying still and feeling these won’t do me any good. I only end up crying because I hate myself that much right now. I really need to change. Change for the better. Change to become everything I want to be. I know this is idealistic but I really am going to turn over a new leaf. I may begin by faking it but hopefully after getting used to it, I will finally believe that I am essentially and sincerely happy. I need to do this for my friends, for my family, for myself and for the future. This blog entry will motivate me to stick to my resolution and not go back to the dark, lonely, sad hole. There are still a few more days until September ends. Maybe I can finally turn things around.

I can still change for the better! Watch out world! 🙂

P.S. Sorry for not blogging as much anymore. I actually felt bad about breaking my once-a-week-make-a-blog-entry thing because of all the things that have been going on. Hopefully I will be able to blog more more more!

Baby Steps

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That night was almost like a fairytale. A night filled with magic and love and princesses and pumpkins. Maybe it was fitting. In a land of insecurities, where curly haired kids wanted straight hair and heavy kids wanted to lose weight and skinny ones wanted to gain it and everyone wanted to be somebody else. The one true beauty was the girl who simply knew herself and was happy with what she knew.

– Quote from The Wonder Years starring Fred Savage, Danica McKellar and Josh Saviano.

I sent this quote to my friend and saved it right after. Just today, I decided to check my saved messages and saw it again. Was it destiny? because recently I have been seeing the people I care about feel insecure about themselves and I was also feeling the same way. May it be for shallow reasons such as one’s weight or those deeper realizations about life ambitions and its lack thereof. Whatever the case, I just wanted to share this short but really meaningful quote that I stumbled onto again.

The Wonder Years

Despite being an overrated show for some and the total opposite of the shows being aired nowadays, I really enjoyed The Wonder Years when I began watching reruns about a year ago and eventually downloading the entire show after. In every episode, there is a simple yet influential quote or moment that just hits you just like the particular episode from where that quote came from. So if you have nothing to do at home, try watching some episodes online, you won’t regret it.

From what I remember, in that particular episode, a girl with a big nose was being teased without her actually knowing why she was teased, despite it being fairly obvious for the rest. Only one guy liked her for who she is, when he still did not notice the big nose. When his friends told him, he was first shocked until he later on agreed. He revoked his agreement to go to the dance with her even if he was the one who asked. To the point that he regretted his decision and it was too late because the girl was happy with who she is that another guy had fallen in love with her and her lack of insecurities.

I know that we can’t just disregard our insecurities cause despite it being a hassle and obstacle for each and everyone of us, especially with regards to feeling happy, I think that these are challenges set out for us to overcome. Only when we overcome them and simply become happy with ourselves will we be able to achieve the goal we set out for ourselves. It’s better said than done. It’s definitely going to be hard. But with baby steps, such as actually trying to do something about achieving what we want rather than getting ourselves tired from all the late night thinking and feeling sad about not doing anything, we can eventually do it. It’s worth a shot. We must start trying. As people say, ‘Sometimes, in trying, there are no risks, only high rewards’. We should not stop and slow ourselves down by making the same mistakes of feeling worse and worse about ourselves and start moving on. We do and not dwell. We stand, not sit and wait for a miracle. We take baby steps to finally be able to walk on our own.

Go and Move On

Half-Cooked

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These past few months have been really weird. When I have tests and schoolwork, I can’t seem to stay awake but when I am as free as a bird, like now, I can’t stop thinking and this literally keeps me up until the wee hours of the morn’ or when I just get too tired from all the brain activity.

Personally, I am not going through anything drastic or problematic that would get me to re-evaluate my life and the point of ‘living’ itself but from the things I have been hearing and seeing, well let’s just say, I was wrong to think that things were ‘simple’ and not-so-complicated.

As shallow as it sounds, that one powerpoint slide in our Psychology class today got me. My teacher was talking about Erikson’s theory of Psychosocial development, which consists of about 8 stages. The fifth one, which was said to occur to people from the age of 13 to about early 20s. She explained that people in this particular age group have either found their identity or are still confused with their role in life and unluckily, I fall into the latter category.

I have a lot of dreams. I wanted to be a cashier when I was little. I wanted to be an inventor when I was about 10. I wanted to be a pilot until I realized that my dream and my bad eyesight will never mixed. I wanted to be a racecar driver and an astronaut until reality caught up to my high hopes and seemingly impossible aspirations. I wanted to be a cartoonist or at least the voice of a cartoon until I realized that I can never draw as well as my classmates. I wanted to be a musician, a drummer, until I just couldn’t get the beat anymore. I wanted to be a chef until I burnt myself and the food I was making. I wanted to be everything at one point in my young life, not that I am old now, but I guess I grew up.

With growing up, I also grew out of my imagination for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I tried to fulfill each of my dreams. An example would be drawing. When I was in highschool, I really took each project seriously. I drew and threw those drawings that were just not good enough for me. It would take me hours just to finish a ‘perfect-for-me’ drawing. My mom would always compliment me saying how ‘cute’ and ‘amazing’ my drawings were and I blushed as I listened. But seeing other people’s drawing that only took them about a minute to do and were more amazing than mine broke my heart. To the point that I left my drawing ambition half-cooked. This happened to almost all of my aspirations. It was like travelled a path for a time until I realized “it’s not for me” “I can’t do it” or some lame and shallow reason and just go back to where I started. Leaving things.. half-cooked.

Now, I am in college studying Management of Applied Chemistry, which I’m not even sure I like. I know who I am now in terms of my attitude and those shallow interests but I just don’t know what I want to be. I don’t have the passion to do something I really love. It makes me think if I am even capable of such. I am not sure if I am walking down the right road or if halfway through, I am just going to run back feeling scared and nervous because my time to explore myself and find myself is running out.

I need to assure myself that everything is going to be alright. But how can this happen if I don’t even believe it. Maybe it’s my feeling of inferiority or confusion or the fact that I am jealous of those who have dreams and interests fully cooked and ready to be eaten. Since they know what they want to do, all they have to decide on is how they want to do it. Contrary to my situation, in which I keep on trying and giving up to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore.

I need some enlightenment. I need a sign. I need that feeling of satisfaction in whatever I am doing. I need things to be ‘worth it’ for me. I need to find my way. Especially since “..Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

Quote from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Bestfriendship

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Bestfriendship

This has been bothering me for days now and I just thought I would share.

The other day, I had dinner with my group of friends in high school. I haven’t seen them for so long! I admit, I have missed our lunch table! In high school, not all of us were classmates with each other. But for some amazing reason, we all still managed to get along well! We would talk about the most random thing, laugh at the lamest joke (usually made by me HAHA) and even tease each other with boys from our next door neighbor-school. I am not close to each and everyone of my lunch table friends but I can definitely say that they’re my ‘people’ in high school. The question for me is, will this stick even after we don’t get to hang out over the breaks or after school or when we don’t have anything to talk about anymore? As much as I don’t want to say so, reality is catching up to my optimistic thoughts. For sure, the ones I do not get to talk to regularly ever since I was in high school were out of the picture (no offense) but will this hold true even for my best friend?

My best friend and I were classmates from grade 6 until high 1 (for about 3 years) and within this short amount of time, we managed to create a ‘bestfriendship’. Honestly, I thought we were perfect for each other! Maybe we had different interests but we also had a lot of similarities, which I regarded more. When she talked, I listened. When I ranted, she comforted me. It was a give and take kind of thing and I was so grateful for it. Especially since I really did not have any best friend until I met her. I was more of a quiet, shy and loner type with only friends to eat with but no one to talk to, really. She was the only one who actually listened to me. When we became best friends, we were inseparable. We would always talk to each other in class and even after that. Through the power of the internet and wonderful telephone connections, it was like we never left school. I felt like I could tell her everything and I thought I did (explanation later). When we were separated in high 2 up until high 4, I was devastated. I really thought everything would be different and most were! We don’t get to talk as much because even if we were taking the same subjects, our teachers and classmates were different and as shallow as it sounds, it really left a wall in our friendship. But we got through. After a few months of ‘less talking’, we were back to our old ways. Sure it was different, but we wouldn’t let that get in the way of our friendship.

Now we’re both in our sophomore in college, again, different colleges (ADMU and DLSU) and it was not until a few months when I realized.. everything was now REALLY DIFFERENT! But has it always been like this? Ever since we went to college, we would still talk through texting but we don’t really get to see each other. Only on special occasions such as birthdays and the like. On these dinners or hangouts, it was still the same for me. I would get excited to see her and my other friends and we would talk like we were in high school even if we weren’t anymore. Just last summer, I realized that if I don’t try to contact her, she doesn’t as well and it got me thinking if I was the only one who wanted things to stay the same. When I didn’t text her, she wouldn’t do the same and this went on until we only talk to each other about twice a week.

It was not until just two days ago when I realized I was right. Before going to our first lunch table dinner since after we graduated, I felt so odd. I really did not want to go. I know it sounds so bad but I was just wishing that I would not have to go anymore because I really don’t know how to socialize with them especially since we came from different schools, some from ADMU, DLSU, UST and even universities from the United States. Moreover, I haven’t seen half of them since we graduated. But honestly, I really did not want to go because I do not want to feel left out. In our lunch table back in high school, I felt so comfortable because if I don’t know what they’re talking about (different classes), my best friend would always fill me in and now that we don’t really talk much, will she till fill me in? During this dinner, I felt that every time I talked to her I was just a bee buzzing and bothering her. Since I was the only one who doesn’t get to hang out with them (because I live pretty far and my parents don’t allow me to go out a lot), I felt really left out and I guess I was right because when I asked she never really fully answered. It was more of a short answer just to stop me from asking again and it really made me sad. But I swallowed this feeling and just kept on socializing with them even if I didn’t really get half of the conversation. Other than that, I also realized that we were actual opposites (from our interests, hobbies, other friends and more). Maybe when I was in high school, I thought that ‘opposites attract’ or something like that but now I am not so sure anymore.

When I got home, it hit me hard. I am losing my best friend. The endless and countless conversations we had, now doesn’t even seem so deep. I keep thinking if maybe I was just overwhelmed with having a best friend that I really didn’t know is this was a real ‘bestfriendship’. I don’t think she even knows the things on my mind right now or even then. I thought I told her enough but now I realized I only told her the things she would like to hear. Sure I ranted but it never really got to the point that she knew what I was feeling, even the bad stuff. I am even wondering how we actually became friends. We were total opposites since she was more of the fashion-loving, socializing type and I wasn’t.

Got to live by this

Maybe I am just thinking about this too much. But now that I am feeling what it’s like to pour my feelings and heart out to another person and not just those shallow rants and conversations, it makes me wonder if she really is my best friend. I am sure she was but is she still? Maybe it’s more of my fault for expecting too much or for not trying as hard anymore. I guess I really have to live by the quote: “Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better”. I just hope that through it all, I can still call her my best friend.

Will really try harder

Sorry for the really long post. I wrote this at around 1 am last night and just couldn’t stop typing (HAHA)

365 Days Plus

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Hoping for +++ blogposts!

Hello, Blog World! 🙂

I never really considered having a blog until a few months ago when I came to a realization that I can’t really vent out on social networking sites without being judged by my peers. This may seem like another case of the Psychological idea, ‘Imaginary Audience’ (wherein individuals think that in everything they do someone is actually watching and judging their actions). It’s just that, for some reason, in times when I feel like posting something profound, deep or maybe just ’emo’, I end up just pressing the ‘delete’ button on my computer numerous times (Don’t get me wrong though, in this blog I am aiming for more positive post than negative ones!). With that kind of shallow realization, I finally gave in to making a blog (even if I am no writer – pardon the wrong grammar/spelling etc!)

Since this is my first blog post (YAY!), I want to write about some of the changes I have gone through for about 365 days plus, now (mostly concerning my transition from HS to college). But before all that, let me write some random things about my self first. I am now an 18 (turning 19) year old BS MAC (Management of Applied Chemistry) Sophomore studying at the Ateneo de Manila University. I love watching TV shows like the Vampire Diaries, Suits, How I Met Your Mother and many more. When I grow up, I really have no idea what I want to be. But I do know what I would want to do, like: Travel the world etc (will most probably write about my bucket list when I have the time). I hate hotdogs, getting my feet wet (from puddles and whatnot) and feeling useless (huhu emo).

Anyways, back to the topic!

(1) I had always been a shy kid. I guess in one way or another I still am but I can definitely say that college changed me. As cliche as it sounds, it really did. Now I can just talk and even start an interesting conversation with anyone from my block. Sure I still get nervous when I need to talk in front of the class but at least now I don’t stutter as much (hehehe)!

(2) By not being shy and being more open.. now I have friends that I can talk to about absolutely anything in my life. In high school, I do have friends that I can share my shallow rants to but it never really reached the point that I can talk about what I was actually feeling. Maybe it’s because I don’t want them to not understand me or something. I cannot really explain it but I guess now, I am more able to trust and confide in someone other than myself. At the same time, I learned to listen. Not just nod my head and pretend but actually understand each word coming from another’s mouth.

(3) Next, I think that I became more responsible (but with this also come great ‘responsibility’). When I was in high school, I care about my grades but not to a point that I would not sleep just so I can get a good grade and that is where the ‘responsibility’ comes in. Being responsible and grade conscious also made me more of an unhealthy person with all the late nights and crappy feelings when I get a grade that for me did not match the effort I put in.

(4) I think I feel more connected to Him. I know that this is probably an overstatement but in my point of view, it really is a big thing. I was never a religious person. When I go to Church, I had always considered it a chore to sit there for about an hour listening to something I had already learned from in school. But now, I feel like I can actually rely on Him and that every line from the bible is relevant to my life and not just random words I had to ‘understand’ and write a reflection paper about in high school. Now I even memorize verses and read a devo book!

These are the 4 positive changes that really had an impact in my life recently (about a year ago until today). I wanted to point these out because before writing this blog post and making this blog, I kept thinking about how ordinary and average I am ever since. I felt that nothing had changed and I guess I wanted to prove myself wrong? And I think that i succeeded (HAHA)! In a span of 365 plus days, I think that I had changed drastically in terms of myself. In some aspects, for the better, some for the worst (you will probably see these bad stuff in my rants next time HAHA), but nonetheless, I changed. I honestly think that, overall, I changed for the better? (HEHE). If not, I will just try my best to be more optimistic, which is why I posted the picture of the sun and the full on brightness bar! I am looking forward to more positive blog posts in the future!